Westward Thoughts

The journey of life is interesting and has always fascinated me. I often feel like an ignorant student stumbling from day to day trying so hard to absorb the lessons life puts in front of me. We define our struggles and set out the path we choose to follow, so sometimes I confuse myself with the odd paths I pick.

It was only a few weeks ago I wrote a very dark and disturbing bit about living in and with darkness. I was feeling helpless, like I had no ownership over the events happening to me. I had lost my way, I had lost what I knew to be the truth about life and the power in ourselves to pick and set our own destiny. In all sense of the word I was lost. I had forgotten that life was not happening to me, but that I set it's tone and direction. Essentially I had set my own life a drift on a boat with no captain as I sat on the shore and watched as it crashed about on the rocks and tumbled in the storm.

All the time I was watching I had chosen to stand helpless at the shore. I failed to understand or take the action I knew I could. I look back now and ask myself why, and the only possible answer I can fumble out: “it was easier that way”. Yes it was easier, it was so much easier to pretend like I was an observer with no power to control and manage what was in front of me. I had become a prisoner of my own mind, self doubts and self defeating attitude. I had released control of the most precious gift given to me.

So here I stand now, I have swam out to the boat and reclaimed my position as captain and owner of my life. This doesn't mean I won't hit those rock as I navigate my way home, and it doesn't mean I won't fall of course again. But it does mean that I will remain the captain of my ship and I will look to every rock, stormy weather, or compass failure not as a problem or disaster, but as a challenge and an adventure to experience, overcome, and simply enjoy.

Our happiness never comes from the calm outside our boat. Sure we feel better when things our sailing smoothly, but that is not what sets our mood or defines who we are. Only we can chose the way we experience the events around us. It is in our own mind that we define how each storm will be interpreted. Each of us alone are the ONLY masters of our destiny, our future, and our here and now.

This doe not mean we have to go it alone, that would be so far from the truth. It only means that others can only be their to support. Action can only be taken by you. I am the only one that can change my state of mind, I am the only one that can determine who I am, and who I want to be.

I am so very fortunate to be surrounded by family and friends that love me. I am saddened to know I that I may have hurt them, but excited to be able to return that love now unconditionally. My family was my anchor when I needed them, and now I am prepared to sail along side them no longer dragging behind.

So it is with great joy and anticipation that I pull up my anchor of anxiety and self doubt and once more and set out on a new voyage of adventure, and self discovery.

So I have taken this analogy of a ship drift to the breaking point. But it fit and it worked to express the reality of what I was going through. I am very open to talking more and in great real detail with anyone that wants to. I have taken real action to change my state, and anyone else can take those same steps.

It is also important to me that people understand that coming out of the darkness does not equate to a religious experience. I am not replacing one crutch for another crutch, even if that new crutch might be more pleasant and peaceful. If you are reading this then I am sure you are very aware of my religious views and my position on spirituality. That remains unchanged and is an area of great strength for me and a concrete reminder of how critical it is for us all to continue to seek out and discover more.

My darkness did not come from an absence of light, but from a absence of logic and reason applied to my daily life. I allowed myself to be engulfed with fairy tales of my own design that would torment my every waking hour. The shedding of those fairy tales and lies just as in my own spirituality has given me a renewed sense of adventure and exploration.

_{“Every day you may make progress. Every step may be fruitful. Yet there will stretch out before you an ever-lengthening, ever-ascending, ever-improving path. You know you will never get to the end of the journey. But this, so far from discouraging, only adds to the joy and glory of the climb.” - Winston Churchill}

- I am batman