Westward Thoughts

As I begin this journey into the search for a "soul mate"... which of course if you know me, I don't believe in the idea of a soul mate... but that exploration will be another entry. In this action packed episode we will explore just one small aspect of "online dating" sites "The Wink". Sites will use different names for this idea, nudge, poke, interested, and many more. The idea is generally the same even though the implementation may differ from site to site.

Simply put it is a quick and easy way to express to another member that you have found their profile interesting. Wow... What a great idea. But there seems to be a fundamental flaw in this that does not get much attention: women don't like it. Ahh great... WHY? On some level I can understand, they want some thing more personal, more direct, and more fitted to them individually. Which sounds great and reasonable, until you begin to take into account the massive scope of online dating. For those that may have not had the pleasure, I will give a high level overview of the process.

1) Pick a site from the HUNDREDS available. From fetish, to free, to special matching systems, to general, to more and more and more....

2) Once you have decided on a site, you now must fill out the basics. This is the easy part, and you must bask in it's simplicity!
- I'm 5'6"
- Live here
- I have this degree
- I like music and sunshine... (very helpful)

3) The big one: Create a dynamic, engaging, and witty essay about yourself that will provide the reading party with insight into your soul and dreams. This has to be the most difficult thing I have ever done in my life. Attempting to consolidate the relevant information about me and my life into roughly 1000 words that will spark the interest of the perfect girl I am searching for. OH ya... no problem. Every term paper or research project I have EVER been involved with pales in comparison to the difficulty of this small task

4) More basics: So now they know about you, what about her? You must now describe what your are looking for. So this part is deceptively simple. The first time you fill it out you can almost feel this strange liberation, finally I get to ask for the exact type of girl I want, I get to pick whatever I want... Then you realize, this is not simple. I just got done writing about myself, sharing with complete strangers some personal part of me. Now I am asked to write about a girl I have not meet and don't know yet. I have no idea who she is or what is important to her. Then to add on top of all that arbitrary aspects of what I think her physical qualities should be must be added... UGH!
- height
- straight
- lives within 30 miles
- loves ham and eggs...

Once this process has completed you are now ready to begin the joy and simplicity of making connections online with just maybe that person who will be your soul mate. Visions and fantasies are racing through your head. The email comes that they reviewed and approved the small peice of your soul and it is now exposed to the world. Yes finally the wall has been knocked down and I am ready to accept and delight in her email to me. To bask in the wonder that she was able to get me simply from reading my profile... Yes the email from that girl should be here any minute now....

Over the next week or maybe two... reality sets in. There is no email coming. Maybe she is out there, maybe not... But she will not be found by sitting idly by and waiting for her message to arrive proclaiming his gratefulness that I am finally here. Action must be taken, it is time to peruse profiles and attempt to locate this diamond.

Now reality slaps you in the face. You add your search criteria, ensuring that you limit the distance, cause we all know that the perfect person can not be outside of driving distance. An overwhelming count of profiles are returned for you to sort through. Looking for keywords, examining pictures, looking for that smile, and hoping for a spark in her eyes.

There is some strange parallel to searching for a job. I have created my resume and now I am tracking down the right job/person. Once a potential company/profile has been identified you must submit your resume (sorry... profile). Oh but not just your profile, a new writing assignment is now upon us. The introduction email (also known as cover letter) must now be drafted, and it better be great....

But we will focus on the dynamics of an introduction email at a later time. For now lets go back to the "wink". What is it? Why use it, and why should women not simply ignore it. As mentioned in the beginning, the wink is an alternative way to introduce yourself and announce your interest. Some however feel the wink is just simply to impersonal, it is absent of the connection we are all longing for. And they would be right, but they are also failing to recognize the value and tremendous benefit. To simply ignore the wink could exclude a whole group of personality types, and just maybe because of ignoring it, you may miss the one.

The person using the "wink" as an ice breaker is essentially saying that they are interested but shy. They desire a connection like you, but there personality is not well suited to write that first email, so they take another smaller step while still making the first move. They are simply hoping that by expressing their interest in you, that it will provide a safe opportunity for you to send that email with a known value. If you take the time, I will respond.

No one is under any false delusion that everyone that winks is saying just that. Some just like any other population of people are assholes. But the good part here is that you have their resume (sorry profile). You get to take a look at the person that you know has read your profile and is interested. If you read theirs and they have qualities the spark your interest, you are almost guaranteed to get a response. Is it a garuntee they will be a match, no... no more than if they were able to at that moment write out the best email ever. They have not changed, only your reaction to them has changed.

Should the wink for some be ignored? Yes, if you are only willing to accept a person who will always be in control of the relationship, and you can not imagine being with some one empathetic or emotionally sensitive, than you should turn it off. Most sites allow you to deny all "winks". If you fit this category (and some of us do), then ignore them and even better: if your dating site allows it, have the ability shut off. You will still have to weed through those folks, cause some will muster up the courage, but it will reduce the amount.

So what should we take out of this... Don't exclude a potential partner simply based on a form of communication. If the profile sparks something, then respond and take that first step. You could be opening yourself up to a whole new personality group, and just maybe what you have been looking for.

- I am batman