Westward Thoughts

As I am sure you are aware my ex-wife and I have decided to make the commitment of divorce. For me this was such a scary word wrapped in emotions of pain, hatred, and anger. But is that what it has to be? Does the future with myself, my children and my ex-wife (also known as my best friend) have to be one of resentment and pain, or could it be something very different. Could it be a journey of discovery, a journey of a new and better relationship with her and the kids, and just maybe could it be a positive journey of growth and discovery that causes a family to grow, and not break apart?

The journey of life is interesting and has always fascinated me. I often feel like an ignorant student stumbling from day to day trying so hard to absorb the lessons life puts in front of me. We define our struggles and set out the path we choose to follow, so sometimes I confuse myself with the odd paths I pick.

I feel so very restored today! I have a clarity in my mind that has not been there for years. It was absent for so long, that I forgot just how important it was to me. As life came knocking and the drudgery of everyday slowly tore at my soul, I got lost in the confusion. My mind became clouded and blurry, and I took on a new level of frustration. I was so consumed by the now that I forgot to look ahead to the future, the things important to me, and the ones I love.

The dark slowly creeps toward me. It is standing behind me waiting.
I know it is there as pretend to ignore it and keep moving forward.
But it remains ever more subtly pushing towards me.
It is rising and growing and preparing to consume.
I try to move faster, run away, hide from it.
Ignoring no longer works, I know it is there.
The darkness hides the evil welling up in it.
It proclaims it is peace, serenity, and exit.
I am not fooled, yet, I still know there is no peace inside of it.
The struggle grows greater and the fight more intense.

It’s that time, time for us to make our resolutions to be better people, to be healthier people, and to change our lives for the better. Every New Year is a new opportunity to start fresh or so it feels. Don’t you feel that way like this could be the beginning of a new life the life that we spent all last year dreaming of? I know that I am always optimistic for at least the first 30 days of the New Year. But, this year when I think about the person I was in 2008 and the changes that have taken place in my life in the past year I know that this will be a life-changing year.

Predictability is so boring! I should know because after 31 years I have become so predictable to most of the people in my life. I have been missing living my life and become like a well-oiled machine going to work, going to school, and jumping the minute someone says that they need my help. That’s me predictable. The one you can call on anytime you need something, the one you can come to for advice, the one who is always willing to listen and help out. I don’t know from day to day how my life will play out but the people around me do.

A leap of faith is defined as the act or an instance of believing or trusting in something intangible or incapable of being proved. Have you ever thought about what makes us want to take a leap of faith, what makes us want to trust something without requiring that that trust is earned in some way? We take leaps of faith in religion and relationships; heck life in general is a daily leap of faith. We must get out of bed every morning, get dressed, go to work and trust that we will make it back home to our own beds at night.

I recently decided to start blogging in hopes that I can maintain some sanity amongst all of the changes that my life is currently taking. Although, I am sure that it may be impossible to maintain something that I probably never had to start with, at any rate this will be my attempt to purge myself of thoughts that constantly cloud my mind. I have found that taking on commitment and letting go of commitments can take up a lot of unnecessary room in the mind.

Life is a collection of connections with people, places, and things. Everyday we are making new connections that impact the direction of our life. Most are so small that we move day-to-day with out even considering the impact or probably even care. But even the smallest of connections can make a huge alteration.

Reality is an evil mistress that quickly reminds of the things we value and treasure. Everyday life tends not to have much to do with reality and truth. Each day we play a delicate game of hide and seek. We attempt to hide that which makes us vulnerable and can hurt us, while at the same time seeking out the same in others. For most, the seeking is noble and we are only interested in protecting and allowing others to confide in us. We know that there is nothing that makes us feel better than to be able to confess that which we are hiding.